Why I Keep Coming Back to 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'

One book changed how I work with people and how I deal with people generally: Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People.

I read it more than ten years ago, because someone recommended it. Honestly, I found it a bit hard to get into at first — the examples and relationships felt distant from my day-to-day. But partway through I started thinking, I’ve been getting a lot of this wrong.

I used to think being right was enough

When I was younger I was the kind of person who took the opposing side in meetings. I had a position I thought was correct, so I figured explaining it clearly would bring people around.

It doesn’t work like that. You can be right and still watch people not move — or push back. You think why don’t they get it. They’re probably thinking why won’t he listen.

That part hit me.

People think they matter

The idea that stuck hardest: everyone believes they themselves are important. So when you talk to someone, you start by respecting that. You listen. You reflect back what they said — “so you’re seeing it this way” — and you let them know you actually heard it. The temperature of a conversation changes a lot just from that.

This isn’t about flattery. It’s usually the more effective way to get where you’re trying to go.

Winning the argument vs. getting the outcome

At work, “proving I’m right” and “getting the job done” are not the same thing. If you crush someone in a debate but they’re not on board, nothing moves. Sometimes it’s fine to let the other person feel like they won, as long as the actual outcome is what you needed.

I used to protect my ego in those moments. Now I ask myself: am I attached to my pride here, or to the goal? If it’s the goal, how you deal with people changes.

Listening is harder than it sounds

Everyone knows “you should listen.” Doing it is hard, because while the other person is still talking you’re already loading your reply. So I made it deliberate: listen, reflect it back, confirm — “is this what you mean?” — then say my part. That order changed my relationships, at work and outside it.

It’s not a magic key

This isn’t a book that fixes every relationship. It works best among people who are broadly constructive and reasonable. Some people you just can’t get through to, and no book changes that. But for ordinary life among people you have to work with, knowing this stuff is a real advantage.

I’d especially hand it to someone younger who has their own idea of what’s correct but can’t get people to come along with it. Being right isn’t the whole job. Understanding how people feel, and letting them arrive at the answer themselves, is part of it too. Ten years on, I still think about it while I work.